The Lolz of Physics

Terminator: Salvation (2009)

Rating ... C- (35)

Little else is as inherently masculine as the concept of Terminator - that a futuristic cyborg equipped with advanced weaponry travels backwards along the timeline to SNAFU the present, only to be thwarted by one or more gun-toting individuals with a maximum of badass action and modicum of sentimentality - but surprisingly enough, Terminator: Salvation is the first entry in the upstanding series to genuinely pander to the young male demographic. The original Terminator dubiously adopted 80's cyberpunk sentiments but made amends for the thematic uncertainty with laudable action-movie economy and some of Cameron's finest directing, while installments two and three offered superior variations on the formula with equivalent thrift and - get this - actual dramatic conflict, with a little philosophizing thrown in for good measure. T:S pays homage to its origin with sly nonchalance (for example, to the original by recreating the scene of skulls being crushed by the machines of war), but it does not actually add to the franchise. Rather the film simply alters the blueprint to include dual male protagonists, both of whom regularly grunt and growl at the camera in slow-motion / low angle / Snorricam / generic grandeur.

In what's likely an unintended display of cinematic augury, arbitrary Java syntax ( //, ++, /* ) accompanies the names of the first-billed during the title credits, appropriately paving the way for the following eye candy. (Is this the programming language behind the T-models or the SFX?) Director McG surveys the battlefield with slick aerial cam grace but his firefights are characterized primarily by arhythmic editing and CGI explosions sloppily filed under the guise of into-the-fray realism. Helmed by Jonathan Mostow (Breakdown, U-571) T3 leaned more towards old-school stunts and a rudimentary walk-talk structure for its action-comedy approach but with McG Terminator: Salvation blows past in a blur where unremarkable action scenes and macho military bluster are equally massacred with music-video stylings - a problem that is only exacerbated when T:S strives for "epic" importance. Curiously, this desire for grandiosity never materialized during the franchise's first three films, which erred more towards B-movie sensibility, but in T:S it fires from all cylinders, even Danny Elfman's summer blockbuster score (snore) whose pervading riff is suspiciously Dark Knight-esque, composed of eighth note pairs alternating between two pitches. (You'll recognize the simplistic pattern when you get there, though in all honesty it was probably Requiem for a Dream and its moronic pap of a soundtrack that truly cemented the popularity of this callow approach to "monumental" accompaniment.)

To compound the problem further, Terminator: Salvation's need for majesty bleeds into its paltry characterizations, most of which are demonstrated to their full extent through juvenile posturing like "NOOOO!" scenes angled directly at the camera. When Connor (Bale) shouts "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" at a T-800, the film's emotional ineptitude is apparent, and this overwrought spectacle towards an obviously unfeeling machine makes one marvel that T:S was written by the same folks responsible for Terminator 3. Consider a scene from that film, where the protagonists are traveling in an RV and the Terminator (Arnold) callously divulges to a younger John Connor that he will be slain in the upcoming war, but is still needed in the present to accomplish some tasks. The implication here is that with this knowledge, Connor is now only alive in a robotic sense - to fulfill a purpose already allocated to him by higher powers. (Connor's response? "Oh... well that sucks!) Such philosophical absence reduces T:S to the sum of its reveals - notably, without spoilers, Marcus Wright and the effect of the short wave signal - as well as its ho-hum man-machine ethos, which is artlessly summarized during the dénoument as Wright clumsily narrates about the virtues of the indomitable human spirit before passing the voiceover chain to Connor for a sequel-promising encore. By this point, however, Terminator: Salvation has already proved itself a member of the venerable franchise in name only; the film's squandered wartime setting, occasional peeking-out-of-cover shots, and protagonist moniker "Marcus" all betray that T:S is instead aimed squarely at the Gear of War crowd.